Postpartum in a Pandemic

I’ll start this post by acknowledging how grateful I am to have a healthy baby and family during these uncertain times. I appreciate all those who are risking their own health to help make this possible—grocery clerks, delivery men and women, doctors, nurses, Amazon Prime generally, and the list goes on. I also understand how privileged I am to have a partner in parenting and family members who provide support even during the stay home order (*see exception to the rule for caring for a family member). Each night, we pray with Crockett during his bedtime routine and we acknowledge the long list of blessings we are so grateful for. I’ve spent much of the last 11 weeks thanking God for every part of Crockett. My love for him is indescribable, I do not take him or his health for granted. Gratitude is powerful. So is my faith in God.

With all that being said, being quarantined for this extended period of time has been hard. Some days, extremely hard. Before having Crockett, I knew that having an infant involved its own type of quarantine. To prepare, we asked our immediate and extended family to get their flu shot and TDAP vaccine if they wanted to spend time with Crockett in those first few weeks. We imagined welcoming our family and close friends to come over and meet our precious little one so we could share our joy with them, just as we have shared in our friends’ joy when bringing dinner and meeting their babies during those first few weeks of life. We had two trips with Crockett planned to take advantage of my maternity leave and we were excited about all the time we would have as a family to go do activities once Crockett had his two-month vaccines.

Letting go of these plans and expectations has been difficult. As someone who plans and prepares (and someone who thought she had appropriately mitigated illness risk to Crockett by having our extended family get vaccinated and prepping every room in the house with purell), I have felt disappointed and sad at times that these first few months with our precious boy were and are playing out completely different.

I’m sad that I have best friends and close family members that have only seen Crockett over FaceTime (grateful for FT!). I’m sad that we aren’t going to New York to spend time with family and friends, including Crockett’s Godfather, or the beach with my parents to watch Crockett discover the ocean. I’m sad that when I start back at work, I won’t have left my house except to go on walks, drives, or to my parents house. This sadness comes with a lot of guilt. Guilt that I am not more appreciative of all the blessing surrounding me, including my generous maternity leave. Guilt that I am restless instead of feeling completely content at home with my newborn and husband. Guilt that I’m privileged in so many ways and yet some days want more.

How did I deal with all this? At first, I let the guilt outweigh my disappointment. I tried to swallow it and not acknowledge how I was feeling. Put on a brave face and stay positive. It seemed too ungrateful to give those feelings a name and let them exist. What I realized though, is that by trying to swallow my disappointment, I was preventing myself from moving on from it and embracing the new normal. All of these feelings were mixed in with the giant changes in my hormones that you experience postpartum and heightened by sleep deprivation. Quite the cocktail of emotions.

Around seven weeks postpartum, I found myself physically, mentally, and emotionally worn down, and realized that I couldn’t keep going the way I was. It was time for a change, especially since the end date on COVID-19 quarantine continued to be extended. I reached out to my doctor because I was worried these could be signs of postpartum depression setting in, which is scary to say out loud (though it shouldn’t be, why is there still such a stigma and embarrassment around a chemical imbalance you have no control over?). I also reached out to our postpartum doula to get her perspective. (Conley and I engaged a PP doula for 12 hours, spaced out over the first few weeks of Crockett’s life to answer our questions, help with breastfeeding, and demonstrate certain baby skills we needed help with—more on this at some point). My doctor reminded me that PPD is real and out of my control. If I was having more bad days than good, more low moments than highs (along with other criteria) we should consider whether this is PPD and start medication. Ultimately, it was not. But I tell you this so you feel comfortable talking with your doctor if you aren’t comfortable with how you are feeling or if you think you have more than the baby blues or quarantine blues. When I talked with my doula, she reminded me the importance of taking time “off” from baby and the importance of sunshine. I thought I was doing a decent job at both of these things, but upon closer reflection, I was not. Even when I took “breaks” I didn’t officially put someone else in charge. So if baby needed something, I responded. I also realized that there were some days when I didn’t step foot outside of my house, yikes.

The solution? First, setting aside the guilt. Allowing myself to actually feel disappointed to have cancelled plans and sad to not be seeing loved ones. Once I acknowledged those feelings I could actually deal with them. Instead of being disappointed about canceled plans, I looked through pictures of amazing vacations I’ve taken and reminded myself we will travel again! Work didn’t prevent me from going on these adventures in the past, so it won’t prevent me from traveling again when the time is right. With respect to the sadness about missing friends and family, I committed to making a better effort to have regular FaceTime dates and sharing more details (no matter how small) about the cute thing Crockett did that day to feel like I was sharing my joy with them.

FaceTiming with Aunt JuJu and our cousins!

As for the overall feeling of being worn down, I had a really honest conversation with Conley about exactly how I was feeling. Even though I felt like Conley was being a great partner and parent and pulling his weight around the house, I realized it was okay for me to ask for more from him. We set aside time each day when Conley was officially in charge. We had already somewhat done this, but I wasn’t really stepping back and turning my mom brain “off” during these times. I acknowledged that Conley being in charge meant Conley responding to baby’s needs, not me, even if my brain was telling me “oh it will just take two seconds, I’ll go do it.” This simple act of officially putting myself “off duty” (even if I was just watching TV during this time in the other room), really helped me recharge (see also the blog post on rest and recharge). I also committed to spending time outside every single day. Whether this was a walk with Crockett, a walk alone, or just standing in the backyard for 10 minutes if it was a crazy day, I would make sure to get some sun. It sounds silly, but daily sunshine makes a big difference. Finally, I think my hormones just started leveling out around this time. This is something that takes time and patience on the part of a new mama, because you have no control over it. My hot flashes during the night stopped, my bleeding stopped, and it just seemed like my body started to adjust to life without baby on the inside.

So if you’re waiting for someone to give you permission to feel sad or disappointed, or acknowledge that you are completely worn down, here it is. You are allowed to feel exactly how you actually feel. Do we have so much to be grateful for? Yes. Should we practice gratitude and framing our days with a positive attitude? For sure. But does that mean we can’t be sad or disappointed about our cancelled plans, postponed wedding, shower, vacation, or the difficulty of working from home and missing friends and family? Or exhausted because we’re juggling more than we realized at home right now? No. Feel your feelings. Really. Out loud to a friend or family member. We are all navigating this new normal together right now, even if at a distance.

XO,

The mom next door